Tuesday, January 18

Reason #1 of Why I Need to Move

What ever happened to it being as simple as taking trash to a curb? Here in a city of tourism there is no trash at the curb - only in the back alley. We wouldn't want to admit that we actually create trash in the Northwest, would we? It was actually fine when I lived in a house with a back alley that actually connected to the back yard. Now - not so fine.

Taking out the trash in 30 easy* steps.
  1. Empty indoor trash cans and consolidate into (hopefully) less than 2 kitchen size bags.
  2. Sneak dog poop bags from outside into trash. Sneak because you're not allowed to put them in the trash even when they are double bagged. Once again wonder where you are supposed to put them.
  3. Put leash on dog as trek to trash can involves entering alley popular with drug dealers.
  4. Attempt to leave the house with 2 trash bags and 90lb dog on leash who is excited she is going for a walk.
  5. Drop at least one bag as dog pulls your arm out of its socket in her excitement to go for a walk.
  6. Yell for (at) dog to go "this way" and brace yourself as she turns on a dime and gallops towards the back yard.
  7. Wince as your arm is popped back into place.
  8. Pick up dropped back of trash and attempt to close door while playing tug-of-war with dog.
  9. Practice new dance moves on icy path that landlord's have not bothered to shovel or salt because hey - they don't use it.
  10. Arrive at back door to landlord's suite and find nicely shoveled and salted path for them to use. Remind yourself to buy them "Landlording for Dummies" or "Landlords are Dummies" depending on price and mood and whether or not they turn the furnace on tonight.
  11. Step onto path and sink knee deep into slush & mud. Be thankful you've fed dog for the last 6 years as you now need all her strength to pull you out.
  12. Realize that for the first time in 6 years, dog is not pulling on the leash. Curse at dog as she waits patiently for you to catch up.
  13. Make it to back fence. Remember that the landlords have put a padlock on back fence to slow down drug dealers that break windows in your suite in their spare time.
  14. Rejoice that your anal-retentiveness means you never leave the house without your keys. Rejoice more that you remembered this before you attempted to trek back to the house.
  15. Unlock gate while holding bags of trash and leash to dog who has suddenly remembered that walks are for pulling and makes up for lost time.
  16. Scrape all skin off of right hand knuckles.
  17. Exit through gate, following dog who loves the alley because there is smelly trash and, on at least one lucky occasion, a dead rat.
  18. Realize there are no drug dealers in alley at the moment. Breathe a sign of relief. Apologize to dog that she has no one to intimidate (aka become best friends with on sight).
  19. Carefully navigate slippery slope from gate to two houses down the alley where trash must be placed. Mentally thank parents for purchasing Atari in 1982 on which you were able to hone your tree root jumping skills.
  20. Consider irony that garbage truck cannot make it all the way down the alley to your back yard because there is too much trash in the alley.
  21. Put trash bags in trash can. Wonder for 1873rd time why landlord's never have the courtesy to bring your trash can back to the house when they bring theirs, thus allowing you to remove trash from your apartment more than once a week. Remember they only pass this way a minimum of 4 times of day and only have 2 hands. Absolve yourself of any responsibility as there are only so many hours a week that can be dedicated to trash adventures.
  22. Realize dog has not pulled one of your joints out if its socket since reaching bottom of slope. See dog routing through trash. Hope dog has not found dead rat.
  23. Ask dog if she wants to go for walk. Make it back up slope in .8 seconds flat by 'skiing' behind dog as she bee-lines for the front of the house.
  24. Use magical skills to lock padlock up as you fly through gate. Remember you don't have magical powers, yell to (at) dog, take skin off knuckles on left hand, but earn points for flexibility.
  25. Employ Olympic talents to return to apartment door.
  26. Disappoint dog by making her go back inside. Try to convince her that this was a legitimate walk.
  27. Clean up bloody hands and try to remember what colour your pants were before they became completely encased in mud.
  28. Decide to consider trash adventure/dog walk 'cardio'. Pacify new addiction by blogging about event instead of riding exercise bike.
  29. Realize you now qualify for "Health and Fitness" category you randomly put your blog into when setting up counter.
  30. Be in awe of your psychic powers.
*and by easy I mean absolutely ridiculously stupid and unnecessary


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